from my mind.

i've been really hung up on this Bethany Dillon lyric for quite sometime now...

because the more i fight it, the more i love You

i feel like so much of me sometimes is doing just that - fighting, resisting, putting off what God could do. Now, i'm not saying that i completely disregarded God or lost my Love for him. No, not in the least. i guess i just so often find myself saying 'hey God...seems like i took things into my own hands again and well, looks like once again i can't do this alone'. Repeatedly this world drags me in, without me realizing, which is more a fault of mine then the world. i've found myself thinking before that the reason i felt drained, bogged, overwhelmed -whatever you want to call it - is because i haven't fully surrendered to God. Do i then go do it, right then, right when i recognize it? nope. This part of my soul frustrates me. The stubborn, unwilling, bleh part of me.

if i had a friend who treated me the way i treat God sometimes, i'd probably get real real tired of them. but no, not God.

...this is where the part of the lyric that says '...the more i love You' fits in. God always takes me back. He takes my wandering, filthy heart back. This fascinates me. i follow a God that doesn't hold grudges, who is constant and that steadfast. It makes my heart want to hold stronger. i shouldn't kick around a Love like that. and i do. from an outsiders view i would tell myself 'man. you're crazy or something..'. There is nothing like His love. nothing at all. not now. not ever. And i love when my silly little heart comes back to that great big realization.

i want to say that i've learned my lesson and that i'll never wander again.
but i don't know. i never know. God's made me real conscience of it now though.
And well...He knows the rest. i'm really cool with knowing that.